The Clearing

I see my life progress as a gradual clearing of clutter. Clutter of the mind and spirit and maybe of the body as well. As a child I survived on clutter, on noise, on a blanket of distractions that overflowed from my mind and kept me safe and hidden from the terrifying truths that knocked at my door. Truths about the people I thought I knew, the ones I loved and hated. Truths about mistakes and pain and fear. Truths about the best of intentions giving way to the weight of mortal weaknesses and the passions and addictions, both physical and mental, that drive us ever forward in the harshest of conditions, blind to a different path just next to us. There was a time when I feared silence, when I could not fall asleep feeling as though I was also falling into an abyss of vulnerability. I could not bear to hear the truth from anyone else or from myself; I could not bear the horror of my greatest fears coming to life. I chose ignorance, believing it offered me a safe haven. I never slept without a radio by my side, first tuned to music and then, as rhythms lulled my conscious mind dormant and awakened the unconscious, escaped to only spoken programs, tuning out the messages while I took comfort in the protective shroud of words woven together as endless bedclothes. I would not have to believe in the darkness beyond the blanket, if I could not see it. Now, I crave silence. I crave mental space to come back to the ground, to find a truer version of me out of the many versions I construct daily, to cancel out the ceaseless chatter around me and from me and listen to what time and mind have to say to each other. I want the truth; I welcome it into my home and my heart. I sit waiting patiently, opening myself to the tragedies and the miracles of the truth, more courageous for the earth which holds me tightly and protects me, which sustains me in a fundamental way that cannot be destroyed by the egos of men. Now I sleep soundly in silence, letting myself drift into the unknown, welcoming silence as a guide. In my mind's eye I see a black canvas slowly chipping away in bits and pieces as I open myself further to reality. The truth waits for me beyond the canvas, and I slowly reveal it to myself, and reveal myself to the truth. As piece by piece falls away, as I pull down the wall of ignorance and fear that separates me, I warm slowly to the constant and tranquil glow that lays beyond.