The Laughing Heart

your life is your life
don't let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you changes.
know them.
take them.
you can't beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
them ore light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

[charles bukowski]

*i think i like this guy.

i want to play

a secret 25Things game with myself.

1. Vanilla is my favorite flavor of ice cream. (I know, I can't believe it either).
2. I count myself as extraordinarily lucky to have 5 1/2 best friends.
3. When I was younger, I had a remarkable obsession with the Holocaust.
4. Please don't touch my feet. Please.
5. I love having time for brunch. And then, having brunch.
6. Considering my family's history, I am so grateful not to have alcohol or other substance abuse issues.
7. I wish I knew more about and had more exposure to jazz.
8. I am becoming frighteningly jaded about love/relationships.
9. I am completely confident that in my later years I will find the peace and ease I crave now. I look forward to my 40s, 50s and beyond.
10. I visualize myself in this way: bare feet, white-washed wooden floors with a tu-tu hanging on the wall and a mimosa fresh for the drinking.
11. I am proud to be an only child.
12. While I have, at times, craved the presence of an older brother, I am lucky to say that I have had several older-brother-type figures in my life, and I appreciate their influences.
13. I wish I had a passion that was also a talent that was also a livelihood.
14. I am firmly on the Palestinian side of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. But I understand the complexities involved. And one of my life goals is to solve that ish before we all end up nuked over it.
15. I secretly love going to the doctor because of all the extra attention.
16. If given the opportunity I think I could recite The Sound of Music screenplay verbatim.
17. I don't believe in video games. (Except I heard about this Wii program where you can compete in cooking competitions - there's a whisk and stir function, etc. - and I might be up for that one).
18. I do believe you can tell a lot about a person by the manner in which they approach speed bumps. I fly over them like they don't exist. Suspension-susmenshun.
19. In yoga I found a spiritual out-and-in-let that doesn't insult my intelligence. I love that, and I love it.
20. I will always be fiercely proud of my hometown and high school (I still hate on private schools the world over). I will never move back.
21. Most of the things I criticize are things I secretly want. Just a little. Except mango and pineapple. That's real-life loathing.
22. I peed in my pants twice (!) in kindergarten. If you were there, and you know, I appreciate your anonymity.
23. S. Carter is and always will be the greatest. Yeah, I said it.
24. I really, really wish somebody would just tell me the right answer.
25. If I could be any animal, I would be a duck. With benefits.

You know that feeling you get when you haven't heard from a friend in ages, and you have so much to talk about that you feel completely overwhelmed and don't know where to begin? Not a peep from your mouth because it would be an unexplainable and out-of-context drop in the bucket?

A am à la that tonight.

So much. I feel stunted. I feel flattened out, smooshed down into a raw piece of chewing tobacco. I feel brown and sad and disappointingly uninspired/ing.

What happened to me? I think, for the first time, I miss myself. I would like to live my life, just for me, for a moment. I'm exhausted and hurt and aching. I need my friends, and I miss my family.

I need help.

Help!