undercover

I just wanted to say, for myself later, for posterity: Everything is not ok. It looks like it, from the things I write here, because I send calmness to the page in the hopes that it will reflect back to me; in the hopes that I can grab onto a piece of what I created, and swallow it back inside. But I'm not ok right now. These last few months have been some of the most difficult of my entire life. I don't feel like I'm on the right track, I'm not pleased with many aspects of the life I have begun to create, and I'm scared that I'm back-pedaling in terms of becoming the person I want to be and learning life lessons.

I'm paralyzed and frightened and I don't know what to do. And I'm a little disappointed. And I feel really alone. Even though I have glorious friends and family with whom I can share the pieces, nobody gets the whole picture. And that whole picture is totally overwhelming.

I just wanted to write that down, make it clear that I feel frantic, panicked and totally frozen, simultaneously.

I'm starting to see cracks in the walls, and put together a new picture of myself, but stepping into that light looks like it will be one of the most painful experiences of my life so far.
I hope that six months from now I read this and can chuckle, and find it cliché, and that I am content with myself and my life.

I really, really hope. Good luck to me. I need to trust myself.

On a bad day

What is that?

It's a kind of flower.

Where did you get it?

My Aunt left it for me.

She lives nearby?

No, she died years ago.

And she gave it to you then?

No, I found this just today. She knows I had a bad day.

I see.