it's been so many months and i feel obligated to update.
i'm a mess.
only...sometimes i feel like a class act, and sometimes i feel like sand (that's a significant step up from dirt).
i'm trying - i promise - i'm trying so hard to do the right thing. sometimes things are so great and i believe that all the pain and struggle was worth it. my efforts and risks and the hard stuff was worth it. but other times i can't believe the state i'm in. the disrespect i accept is my own, towards myself, and i am shocked. i want to disrobe and discard the present, step lightly into the future, holding my breath. i witness myself pulling, reaching for something to make the pain ease, just a bit. please, make it go away for the afternoon, until tomorrow, i'll be ready tomorrow. i've tried on so everyone's perspective: that of dear friends, family, authors of various books, and nothing sticks, or fits quite right. i want to believe that if i dig down deeply enough, i will find a treasure trove of strength, wisdom, honesty and compassion towards myself and others. but i wonder if i'm standing on the chest of gold and i just can't see it.
ashley says i have great intuition; i am humbled, but i think that's true. the hang-up: heeding that intuition. i have gone over and over and over the same feelings, and i feel like my wheels are spinning endlessly. i'm waiting for permission, or for someone else to take over, because i don't want to do this myself. i don't want to be at fault or turn everything upside down. or be blamed.
anyway, my update is: help. please, i am asking, even praying, for clarity. for peace of mind. it doesn't help that i am neurotic as hell, with over-analysis and second-guessing as my specialties.
i read today:
In the entire world, there is not one human being who is free from struggle...
It is proper to welcome struggle, for its arrival is always auspicious...
It is alright if we cannot receive struggle with love but struggle should never be discarded. To discard struggle is to discard God's grace.
- from my favorite Swami Kripalu.
I am full-on wrestling with God's grace, and I fear I'm beyond my weight class.
