mountain and shadow

In an afternoon orgasm, a great moment of flying potential before an earthly grounding, the question arrived:

And what if you reach the mountaintop, and it's raining ?

Not so much a sentence, as an image. What does it mean to reach upward heights, skyward movement, heaven-bound ascension and be greeted by downward-driven momentum, the pull of disappointment, the deflating unexpected. Then what ? So what ? Like a dream, the more I think on it, the more I try to attach words, the more I lose my grip on the emotional footprint and the significance of the thought. I will keep the question with me in my back pocket. Note, I did cry.

As with most orgasm revelations, I open to a feeling of release but also succumbing, smallness in the presence of greatness, a "mountaintop perspective" on troubling issues, submission, realization of my insignificance and a great relief that follows. My strain, my stress, my pain and concerns are but a small part of me and I am but a small part of it All.

_______________________________________

I see my form walking leftward across a plain scene, driven on by ferocious cravings, unrelenting optimism, foolish naiveté, unwarranted and baseless certainties, confused desire, a great loving zest to know, in the most experiential sense of the word, and a death-defying need to sustain and inspire those I deem worthy of worship. This, my form, is a bruised and worn yellow with orange and red moments. Behind me, I drag my own shadow, who sometimes kicks and screams in protest and other times allows itself to be pulled forward, having relented in disbelief. My shadow is not shadow but common sense, pragmatism, pessimism, doubt and self-doubt, grey and black from misuse and abuse, wear and tear and truth. We move forward, my two selves, without path nor destination, only traveling and always bearing the tension between us, the Yes and the Absolutely Not, Think Again. Somehow, so far, the Yes has tended to have greater strength--but it is not overt muscle. The strength is a spectacle of determination, resilience, endurance and foolish immaturity. I wonder though whether my shadow is truly at odds or only playing its role convincingly.

from 4 January 2012

last night i went to bed, feeling icky and sickly. i slowed down my breathing and closed my eyes and lay still. all of the sudden, a golden lion with a big mane came walking to the foot of my bed. he made a few circles the way felines do when they plan to settle down for a sit, and then laid himself on the floor just along the bottom edge of my bed. his head and giant poof of hair was visible, and i saw him both from my vantage point and from others, from above and in this space but without the bed. he was absolutely beautiful and powerful, and i felt completely safe with him there. he was guarding me, he was there either to protect me or to make me feel protected or both. he did normal lion things, like cleaning his paws, and went about his business settling in for the night. it was a wonderful feeling, and i appreciated his presence.

strange things happening in my head lately. or, strange things happening outside my head always, and i'm noticing them more of late.

Failure of Goals

The failure of goals exists in the dark shadow that accompanies each one we set for ourselves. Goals do not exist without the threat of failure; were it not for the very possibility of failure, a goal would not be a goal; it would be readily achievable and therefore a reality. What drives us every day is not the shining beacon of potential success but rather fear of the abyss of failure and whatever disappointing or even devastating psychosocial signals that accompany it. This dangerous dichotomy unfortunately persists even once we achieve the goal we initially set out for; this is why, no matter how much we gain, earn, produce, win, own, create, name or claim, we are rarely, if ever, satisfied. The burning fear of failure shadows each success, and propels us forward to the next marker of achievement. This is the rope which keeps us bound to an existence marked by judgement and criticism--of ourselves and often of others. To loosen this tie we must not strain further in the direction of greater goals and successes, since that strain only thrusts us deeper into the shadow of fear. Perhaps instead we can relax our rigid expectations, reign in our goals closer and closer to our true selves until we eclipse them, and the shadows of failure, in the essence of who we truly are. In this way we are free to progress organically and creatively in the direction or directions that most suit us, instead of down those linear paths we have convinced ourselves we should follow. Without goals, the shadow of failure has no source and we are unlimited in our potential.

The Clearing

I see my life progress as a gradual clearing of clutter. Clutter of the mind and spirit and maybe of the body as well. As a child I survived on clutter, on noise, on a blanket of distractions that overflowed from my mind and kept me safe and hidden from the terrifying truths that knocked at my door. Truths about the people I thought I knew, the ones I loved and hated. Truths about mistakes and pain and fear. Truths about the best of intentions giving way to the weight of mortal weaknesses and the passions and addictions, both physical and mental, that drive us ever forward in the harshest of conditions, blind to a different path just next to us. There was a time when I feared silence, when I could not fall asleep feeling as though I was also falling into an abyss of vulnerability. I could not bear to hear the truth from anyone else or from myself; I could not bear the horror of my greatest fears coming to life. I chose ignorance, believing it offered me a safe haven. I never slept without a radio by my side, first tuned to music and then, as rhythms lulled my conscious mind dormant and awakened the unconscious, escaped to only spoken programs, tuning out the messages while I took comfort in the protective shroud of words woven together as endless bedclothes. I would not have to believe in the darkness beyond the blanket, if I could not see it. Now, I crave silence. I crave mental space to come back to the ground, to find a truer version of me out of the many versions I construct daily, to cancel out the ceaseless chatter around me and from me and listen to what time and mind have to say to each other. I want the truth; I welcome it into my home and my heart. I sit waiting patiently, opening myself to the tragedies and the miracles of the truth, more courageous for the earth which holds me tightly and protects me, which sustains me in a fundamental way that cannot be destroyed by the egos of men. Now I sleep soundly in silence, letting myself drift into the unknown, welcoming silence as a guide. In my mind's eye I see a black canvas slowly chipping away in bits and pieces as I open myself further to reality. The truth waits for me beyond the canvas, and I slowly reveal it to myself, and reveal myself to the truth. As piece by piece falls away, as I pull down the wall of ignorance and fear that separates me, I warm slowly to the constant and tranquil glow that lays beyond.

you arrived at just the right moment.

so i hope

your departure is as auspicious,

blessed, monumental, needed,

inspiring, inspired, serendipitous,

divine, necessary, abbreviated

and quick

as your presence.

that is to say, you never were close by

for long. so double your efforts this time

and make your absence as brief.

or better yet,

best yet,

figure it out and find

a way to stay.

do i love myself ?

truth be told, i've learned to.

and to tell another truth,

i love you more.

cotton candy shapes

not sure if i mentioned the smaller

things that make you us and make

the boats sail. that one time i drove home

by the river after a long day and i saw you there,

enormous, resting on your side, head propped in

hand, watching my tiny ego dash by from

your bathtub. you were halfway submerged,

stretched the length of the river straight,

like a giant in low tide watching a children's toy

traffic jam. what a smile on your face,

bemused wisdom, seeing my path from a far

vantage point, loving and gentle and strong and

i thought, that's just how i imagine god. too many lives to juggle,

imperfect, adoring, watching, guiding, always confident

in me.

still here

with fewer words.

more will come, i hope.

please don't go.