yoga chapters

i. tadasana: giving myself permission to relax. i cannot force, persuade, instruct, direct, insist that my muscles loosen, hang freely around my bones; rather, i give permission, a polite suggestion, i stop trying so hard.

ii. restorative savasana: some thoughts fly freely through my mind, gently passing by with
a nod, perhaps a wink, on their way elsewhere. others kick my chest from the inside, with a POP.
they startle me, shock my eyes open, make my heart think twice. i named them sparks, and asked that they return later to motivate me, to guide my path, but that they not disturb this moment

iii. side-supported savasana: i fished for love in my mind. at the edge of the sea, i waited for a fish - a love - to come to me. i grabbed it, pulled it close to me and held it tight, knowing all the joy, sorrow and fullness that comes with love. but the longer i clung to it, the more violently it thrashed in my arms, desperate to return to the water. i considered for a moment the risk to keep this fish for myself forever, to know that joy, sorrow and fullness indefinitely, but i knew the fish needed the water, that individual love is only a fleeting flash of a great ocean of love that exists among us. i bent over towards the water and threw the fish back in. i looked to my right at another woman, cradling a fish in her arms, and found peace and satisfaction in her experience, in her happiness, knowing it was part of mine. beyond her, a long line of people stretched one by one as far as the coast did, each in different stages of fishing - some searching, some welcoming, some rejecting, some gazing lovingly at their fish, some in horrible pain at the thought of letting go, others smiling as they released, none aware of the others, thinking their fish was the only fish in the sea

iv. i see you in my home, covered in a thick layer of my fears, my hesitance, my ignorance, my worries. i look at you and say i cannot, i just can't live and love you with my fears between us; i have to believe what i know to be true about you and step with a cautious confidence forward, trusting you completely. i come close to you and peel back the rubbery, gray coating from your face, push it off your head, down past your ears, pull the layer across your shoulders and push it down your body to the floor. i guide you to step away from it. you are golden, and lovely, and smiling