midnight butter

today

today i drove. that is not the point.

today i was driving. but let's start before then.

today i was walking through the market, admiring 

kale, hard-neck garlic, july tomatoes, with a lump in my throat.

something was not right. something was difficult to know,

and wouldn't make itself known to me, just then.

it wasn't until i was driving, like i said before, i was driving.

and i began to cry, without knowing for what reason.

these are some of the most intriguing cries--spontaneous, 

without apparent cause. they can be most frightening to witness.

but for the crier it's quite miraculous. emotions having their way with my body, no permission asked.

it's like witnessing a plant grow, unfurling from the depths of my stomach,

the coiled stem unfolding slowly, 

climbing up through my rib cage, creeping higher

into the throat. blossoms bursting from behind my eyes,

and tendrils springing from my mouth, great wet leaves

spreading across my tongue--and the tears begin to fall. and before

you know it, a great thing has happened. it hurt, yes, but

this is a necessary pain--it's the pain of letting go and release--blessings for my journey.

through the windshield the light parted, curtains of sun gave way

to an even brighter truth. the air in front of me split, cracked, and opened

i understood in a flash what had pushed those tears out. i could name the fear.

and the funny thing? the funniest thing. i was afraid--really scared--of things being okay.

i was clinging to all things gone awry, all things unfair, incomprehensible, impossible, and understood the clinging

as a security blanket. to step into a place where everything is okay, no matter what happens--now that is really frightening.

if nothing is wrong, what will i hold on to? what keeps me bound

to this life? it's the challenges to be worked on that i tie myself to, that i wrap myself around.

and if there are no challenges, no problems, nothing to be overcome… well then i'm free.

and what is more disturbing than freedom? nothing comes to mind.

if everything is already ok, then i don't need to be. i don't need to exist. i have no purpose.

and is that liberating? or frightening? or both? and,

if everything is ok, and i don't need to worry, well…what will i do with my time?

what will guide me? anyway the moment closed up again, and i came upon my 

destination, and i closed the top of my box up and peeped through the eye-holes so i could play pretend

with the sales clerks. and i thought of you, and i needed you, as i will need you

in ten thousand ways between sunsets for the rest of my life.