out

i would like to move swiftly past the pain,
drama, intensity, bleak and black.
i would like to have learned the lesson,
without going through the learning.
i would like to have moved on to the next step,
without sloshing across this muddy terrain.
i want out. i want out of the tightness and pain
and anger and deep, heavy dry tears.
i want to swim through this, run by it,
move forward, take a big leap, sneak past,
without deciphering the images or words; without
even looking or listening.
this is a horrible pain, and i am still not sure
what i could have or should have done to avoid it.
i fear my train is destined for wreck after wreck.
i fear i am unable to sort out the reasons, the whys or
what fors.
all i know is this is nearly unbearable, and i can't sleep.
and that there are worse things in the world, and i
shouldn't complain so much.
if only everyone else would stop complaining so much,
if only i could catch a break, i would. catch it and hold
on to it until tomorrow morning. fly with it beyond
the mess.
please watch yourself. please be careful. notice your patterns,
your mistakes. understand why you do what you do. don't be blinded
by routine or shoulds.
as grace said her dad says: the only constant in life is change.
the only other constant is choice.

go for the best choice. please.