your life is your life
don't let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you changes.
know them.
take them.
you can't beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
them ore light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
[charles bukowski]
*i think i like this guy.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
i want to play
a secret 25Things game with myself.
1. Vanilla is my favorite flavor of ice cream. (I know, I can't believe it either).
2. I count myself as extraordinarily lucky to have 5 1/2 best friends.
3. When I was younger, I had a remarkable obsession with the Holocaust.
4. Please don't touch my feet. Please.
5. I love having time for brunch. And then, having brunch.
6. Considering my family's history, I am so grateful not to have alcohol or other substance abuse issues.
7. I wish I knew more about and had more exposure to jazz.
8. I am becoming frighteningly jaded about love/relationships.
9. I am completely confident that in my later years I will find the peace and ease I crave now. I look forward to my 40s, 50s and beyond.
10. I visualize myself in this way: bare feet, white-washed wooden floors with a tu-tu hanging on the wall and a mimosa fresh for the drinking.
11. I am proud to be an only child.
12. While I have, at times, craved the presence of an older brother, I am lucky to say that I have had several older-brother-type figures in my life, and I appreciate their influences.
13. I wish I had a passion that was also a talent that was also a livelihood.
14. I am firmly on the Palestinian side of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. But I understand the complexities involved. And one of my life goals is to solve that ish before we all end up nuked over it.
15. I secretly love going to the doctor because of all the extra attention.
16. If given the opportunity I think I could recite The Sound of Music screenplay verbatim.
17. I don't believe in video games. (Except I heard about this Wii program where you can compete in cooking competitions - there's a whisk and stir function, etc. - and I might be up for that one).
18. I do believe you can tell a lot about a person by the manner in which they approach speed bumps. I fly over them like they don't exist. Suspension-susmenshun.
19. In yoga I found a spiritual out-and-in-let that doesn't insult my intelligence. I love that, and I love it.
20. I will always be fiercely proud of my hometown and high school (I still hate on private schools the world over). I will never move back.
21. Most of the things I criticize are things I secretly want. Just a little. Except mango and pineapple. That's real-life loathing.
22. I peed in my pants twice (!) in kindergarten. If you were there, and you know, I appreciate your anonymity.
23. S. Carter is and always will be the greatest. Yeah, I said it.
24. I really, really wish somebody would just tell me the right answer.
25. If I could be any animal, I would be a duck. With benefits.
1. Vanilla is my favorite flavor of ice cream. (I know, I can't believe it either).
2. I count myself as extraordinarily lucky to have 5 1/2 best friends.
3. When I was younger, I had a remarkable obsession with the Holocaust.
4. Please don't touch my feet. Please.
5. I love having time for brunch. And then, having brunch.
6. Considering my family's history, I am so grateful not to have alcohol or other substance abuse issues.
7. I wish I knew more about and had more exposure to jazz.
8. I am becoming frighteningly jaded about love/relationships.
9. I am completely confident that in my later years I will find the peace and ease I crave now. I look forward to my 40s, 50s and beyond.
10. I visualize myself in this way: bare feet, white-washed wooden floors with a tu-tu hanging on the wall and a mimosa fresh for the drinking.
11. I am proud to be an only child.
12. While I have, at times, craved the presence of an older brother, I am lucky to say that I have had several older-brother-type figures in my life, and I appreciate their influences.
13. I wish I had a passion that was also a talent that was also a livelihood.
14. I am firmly on the Palestinian side of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. But I understand the complexities involved. And one of my life goals is to solve that ish before we all end up nuked over it.
15. I secretly love going to the doctor because of all the extra attention.
16. If given the opportunity I think I could recite The Sound of Music screenplay verbatim.
17. I don't believe in video games. (Except I heard about this Wii program where you can compete in cooking competitions - there's a whisk and stir function, etc. - and I might be up for that one).
18. I do believe you can tell a lot about a person by the manner in which they approach speed bumps. I fly over them like they don't exist. Suspension-susmenshun.
19. In yoga I found a spiritual out-and-in-let that doesn't insult my intelligence. I love that, and I love it.
20. I will always be fiercely proud of my hometown and high school (I still hate on private schools the world over). I will never move back.
21. Most of the things I criticize are things I secretly want. Just a little. Except mango and pineapple. That's real-life loathing.
22. I peed in my pants twice (!) in kindergarten. If you were there, and you know, I appreciate your anonymity.
23. S. Carter is and always will be the greatest. Yeah, I said it.
24. I really, really wish somebody would just tell me the right answer.
25. If I could be any animal, I would be a duck. With benefits.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
You know that feeling you get when you haven't heard from a friend in ages, and you have so much to talk about that you feel completely overwhelmed and don't know where to begin? Not a peep from your mouth because it would be an unexplainable and out-of-context drop in the bucket?
A am à la that tonight.
So much. I feel stunted. I feel flattened out, smooshed down into a raw piece of chewing tobacco. I feel brown and sad and disappointingly uninspired/ing.
What happened to me? I think, for the first time, I miss myself. I would like to live my life, just for me, for a moment. I'm exhausted and hurt and aching. I need my friends, and I miss my family.
I need help.
Help!
A am à la that tonight.
So much. I feel stunted. I feel flattened out, smooshed down into a raw piece of chewing tobacco. I feel brown and sad and disappointingly uninspired/ing.
What happened to me? I think, for the first time, I miss myself. I would like to live my life, just for me, for a moment. I'm exhausted and hurt and aching. I need my friends, and I miss my family.
I need help.
Help!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
good grief
it's been so many months and i feel obligated to update.
i'm a mess.
only...sometimes i feel like a class act, and sometimes i feel like sand (that's a significant step up from dirt).
i'm trying - i promise - i'm trying so hard to do the right thing. sometimes things are so great and i believe that all the pain and struggle was worth it. my efforts and risks and the hard stuff was worth it. but other times i can't believe the state i'm in. the disrespect i accept is my own, towards myself, and i am shocked. i want to disrobe and discard the present, step lightly into the future, holding my breath. i witness myself pulling, reaching for something to make the pain ease, just a bit. please, make it go away for the afternoon, until tomorrow, i'll be ready tomorrow. i've tried on so everyone's perspective: that of dear friends, family, authors of various books, and nothing sticks, or fits quite right. i want to believe that if i dig down deeply enough, i will find a treasure trove of strength, wisdom, honesty and compassion towards myself and others. but i wonder if i'm standing on the chest of gold and i just can't see it.
ashley says i have great intuition; i am humbled, but i think that's true. the hang-up: heeding that intuition. i have gone over and over and over the same feelings, and i feel like my wheels are spinning endlessly. i'm waiting for permission, or for someone else to take over, because i don't want to do this myself. i don't want to be at fault or turn everything upside down. or be blamed.
anyway, my update is: help. please, i am asking, even praying, for clarity. for peace of mind. it doesn't help that i am neurotic as hell, with over-analysis and second-guessing as my specialties.
i read today:
In the entire world, there is not one human being who is free from struggle...
It is proper to welcome struggle, for its arrival is always auspicious...
It is alright if we cannot receive struggle with love but struggle should never be discarded. To discard struggle is to discard God's grace.
- from my favorite Swami Kripalu.
I am full-on wrestling with God's grace, and I fear I'm beyond my weight class.
i'm a mess.
only...sometimes i feel like a class act, and sometimes i feel like sand (that's a significant step up from dirt).
i'm trying - i promise - i'm trying so hard to do the right thing. sometimes things are so great and i believe that all the pain and struggle was worth it. my efforts and risks and the hard stuff was worth it. but other times i can't believe the state i'm in. the disrespect i accept is my own, towards myself, and i am shocked. i want to disrobe and discard the present, step lightly into the future, holding my breath. i witness myself pulling, reaching for something to make the pain ease, just a bit. please, make it go away for the afternoon, until tomorrow, i'll be ready tomorrow. i've tried on so everyone's perspective: that of dear friends, family, authors of various books, and nothing sticks, or fits quite right. i want to believe that if i dig down deeply enough, i will find a treasure trove of strength, wisdom, honesty and compassion towards myself and others. but i wonder if i'm standing on the chest of gold and i just can't see it.
ashley says i have great intuition; i am humbled, but i think that's true. the hang-up: heeding that intuition. i have gone over and over and over the same feelings, and i feel like my wheels are spinning endlessly. i'm waiting for permission, or for someone else to take over, because i don't want to do this myself. i don't want to be at fault or turn everything upside down. or be blamed.
anyway, my update is: help. please, i am asking, even praying, for clarity. for peace of mind. it doesn't help that i am neurotic as hell, with over-analysis and second-guessing as my specialties.
i read today:
In the entire world, there is not one human being who is free from struggle...
It is proper to welcome struggle, for its arrival is always auspicious...
It is alright if we cannot receive struggle with love but struggle should never be discarded. To discard struggle is to discard God's grace.
- from my favorite Swami Kripalu.
I am full-on wrestling with God's grace, and I fear I'm beyond my weight class.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
the Magnificent Sweater
By magnificent, I mean big. HUGE. Encompassing the whole world, weaving everything together with twists and knots. And one there is a tug at this corner, the whole of the fabric feels it. A snag over there means right here we sense it.
I sound like a lunatic, but this is the greatest substitute analogy for so many theories of the universe. I like to think of all of existence wrapped up in a giant sweater. Probably crimson colored, with some crème threads woven through.
Yum.
I sound like a lunatic, but this is the greatest substitute analogy for so many theories of the universe. I like to think of all of existence wrapped up in a giant sweater. Probably crimson colored, with some crème threads woven through.
Yum.
what i have learned of late
1. Hope often seems useless.
2. Sometimes you can't place blame because the Fault just won't sit still.
3. Every moment of breathing life is sacred sacred sacred.
4. It's possible to be content one moment, wishing for death in the next, and end the day floating between the two, holding on to heartbeats.
5. I wish I found a passion to lose myself in when I need it. Not a habit or a dependency or a crutch, but a creative passion.
6. It is possible to live at a right angle to all the things you know in your heart are true.
7. It is possible not to be sure of what's in your heart.
8. Resentment is addictive.
9. Good people do bad things, and I believe in karma.
what i have learned just today
1. The True Self we all believe we know is nothing but patterning of consciousness, actions stuck in a rut, status quo, modus operandi smoke and mirrors.
2. The True Self is the Witness, and as the Witness I can rest, peacefully.
3. I have a lot of practice to do.
2. Sometimes you can't place blame because the Fault just won't sit still.
3. Every moment of breathing life is sacred sacred sacred.
4. It's possible to be content one moment, wishing for death in the next, and end the day floating between the two, holding on to heartbeats.
5. I wish I found a passion to lose myself in when I need it. Not a habit or a dependency or a crutch, but a creative passion.
6. It is possible to live at a right angle to all the things you know in your heart are true.
7. It is possible not to be sure of what's in your heart.
8. Resentment is addictive.
9. Good people do bad things, and I believe in karma.
what i have learned just today
1. The True Self we all believe we know is nothing but patterning of consciousness, actions stuck in a rut, status quo, modus operandi smoke and mirrors.
2. The True Self is the Witness, and as the Witness I can rest, peacefully.
3. I have a lot of practice to do.
Monday, October 13, 2008
undercover
I just wanted to say, for myself later, for posterity: Everything is not ok. It looks like it, from the things I write here, because I send calmness to the page in the hopes that it will reflect back to me; in the hopes that I can grab onto a piece of what I created, and swallow it back inside. But I'm not ok right now. These last few months have been some of the most difficult of my entire life. I don't feel like I'm on the right track, I'm not pleased with many aspects of the life I have begun to create, and I'm scared that I'm back-pedaling in terms of becoming the person I want to be and learning life lessons.
I'm paralyzed and frightened and I don't know what to do. And I'm a little disappointed. And I feel really alone. Even though I have glorious friends and family with whom I can share the pieces, nobody gets the whole picture. And that whole picture is totally overwhelming.
I just wanted to write that down, make it clear that I feel frantic, panicked and totally frozen, simultaneously.
I'm starting to see cracks in the walls, and put together a new picture of myself, but stepping into that light looks like it will be one of the most painful experiences of my life so far.
I hope that six months from now I read this and can chuckle, and find it cliché, and that I am content with myself and my life.
I really, really hope. Good luck to me. I need to trust myself.
I'm paralyzed and frightened and I don't know what to do. And I'm a little disappointed. And I feel really alone. Even though I have glorious friends and family with whom I can share the pieces, nobody gets the whole picture. And that whole picture is totally overwhelming.
I just wanted to write that down, make it clear that I feel frantic, panicked and totally frozen, simultaneously.
I'm starting to see cracks in the walls, and put together a new picture of myself, but stepping into that light looks like it will be one of the most painful experiences of my life so far.
I hope that six months from now I read this and can chuckle, and find it cliché, and that I am content with myself and my life.
I really, really hope. Good luck to me. I need to trust myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)