good grief

it's been so many months and i feel obligated to update.
i'm a mess.
only...sometimes i feel like a class act, and sometimes i feel like sand (that's a significant step up from dirt).
i'm trying - i promise - i'm trying so hard to do the right thing. sometimes things are so great and i believe that all the pain and struggle was worth it. my efforts and risks and the hard stuff was worth it. but other times i can't believe the state i'm in. the disrespect i accept is my own, towards myself, and i am shocked. i want to disrobe and discard the present, step lightly into the future, holding my breath. i witness myself pulling, reaching for something to make the pain ease, just a bit. please, make it go away for the afternoon, until tomorrow, i'll be ready tomorrow. i've tried on so everyone's perspective: that of dear friends, family, authors of various books, and nothing sticks, or fits quite right. i want to believe that if i dig down deeply enough, i will find a treasure trove of strength, wisdom, honesty and compassion towards myself and others. but i wonder if i'm standing on the chest of gold and i just can't see it.

ashley says i have great intuition; i am humbled, but i think that's true. the hang-up: heeding that intuition. i have gone over and over and over the same feelings, and i feel like my wheels are spinning endlessly. i'm waiting for permission, or for someone else to take over, because i don't want to do this myself. i don't want to be at fault or turn everything upside down. or be blamed.

anyway, my update is: help. please, i am asking, even praying, for clarity. for peace of mind. it doesn't help that i am neurotic as hell, with over-analysis and second-guessing as my specialties.

i read today:

In the entire world, there is not one human being who is free from struggle...
It is proper to welcome struggle, for its arrival is always auspicious...
It is alright if we cannot receive struggle with love but struggle should never be discarded. To discard struggle is to discard God's grace.

- from my favorite Swami Kripalu.

I am full-on wrestling with God's grace, and I fear I'm beyond my weight class.

the Magnificent Sweater

By magnificent, I mean big. HUGE. Encompassing the whole world, weaving everything together with twists and knots. And one there is a tug at this corner, the whole of the fabric feels it. A snag over there means right here we sense it.

I sound like a lunatic, but this is the greatest substitute analogy for so many theories of the universe. I like to think of all of existence wrapped up in a giant sweater. Probably crimson colored, with some crème threads woven through.

Yum.

what i have learned of late

1. Hope often seems useless.
2. Sometimes you can't place blame because the Fault just won't sit still.
3. Every moment of breathing life is sacred sacred sacred.
4. It's possible to be content one moment, wishing for death in the next, and end the day floating between the two, holding on to heartbeats.
5. I wish I found a passion to lose myself in when I need it. Not a habit or a dependency or a crutch, but a creative passion.
6. It is possible to live at a right angle to all the things you know in your heart are true.
7. It is possible not to be sure of what's in your heart.
8. Resentment is addictive.
9. Good people do bad things, and I believe in karma.

what i have learned just today
1. The True Self we all believe we know is nothing but patterning of consciousness, actions stuck in a rut, status quo, modus operandi smoke and mirrors.
2. The True Self is the Witness, and as the Witness I can rest, peacefully.
3. I have a lot of practice to do.

undercover

I just wanted to say, for myself later, for posterity: Everything is not ok. It looks like it, from the things I write here, because I send calmness to the page in the hopes that it will reflect back to me; in the hopes that I can grab onto a piece of what I created, and swallow it back inside. But I'm not ok right now. These last few months have been some of the most difficult of my entire life. I don't feel like I'm on the right track, I'm not pleased with many aspects of the life I have begun to create, and I'm scared that I'm back-pedaling in terms of becoming the person I want to be and learning life lessons.

I'm paralyzed and frightened and I don't know what to do. And I'm a little disappointed. And I feel really alone. Even though I have glorious friends and family with whom I can share the pieces, nobody gets the whole picture. And that whole picture is totally overwhelming.

I just wanted to write that down, make it clear that I feel frantic, panicked and totally frozen, simultaneously.

I'm starting to see cracks in the walls, and put together a new picture of myself, but stepping into that light looks like it will be one of the most painful experiences of my life so far.
I hope that six months from now I read this and can chuckle, and find it cliché, and that I am content with myself and my life.

I really, really hope. Good luck to me. I need to trust myself.

On a bad day

What is that?

It's a kind of flower.

Where did you get it?

My Aunt left it for me.

She lives nearby?

No, she died years ago.

And she gave it to you then?

No, I found this just today. She knows I had a bad day.

I see.

pigeon tears

I realized last night, in shivasana: Yoga is the most beautiful thing in my life right now. I wish I could spend my days in practice.

I realized last night, in pigeon pose: Yoga is the only thing I trust in my life right now. I wish I could spend my days in practice.

Namaste.

my heart holds within it every form,
it contains a pasture for gazelles,
a monastery for Christian monks,
there is a temple for idol-worshippers,
a holy shrine for pilgrims;
there is the table of the Torah
and the book of the Koran.
i follow the religion of Love and go whichever way his camel leads me.

this is the true faith;
this is the true religion.

[ibn arabi]