undercover

I just wanted to say, for myself later, for posterity: Everything is not ok. It looks like it, from the things I write here, because I send calmness to the page in the hopes that it will reflect back to me; in the hopes that I can grab onto a piece of what I created, and swallow it back inside. But I'm not ok right now. These last few months have been some of the most difficult of my entire life. I don't feel like I'm on the right track, I'm not pleased with many aspects of the life I have begun to create, and I'm scared that I'm back-pedaling in terms of becoming the person I want to be and learning life lessons.

I'm paralyzed and frightened and I don't know what to do. And I'm a little disappointed. And I feel really alone. Even though I have glorious friends and family with whom I can share the pieces, nobody gets the whole picture. And that whole picture is totally overwhelming.

I just wanted to write that down, make it clear that I feel frantic, panicked and totally frozen, simultaneously.

I'm starting to see cracks in the walls, and put together a new picture of myself, but stepping into that light looks like it will be one of the most painful experiences of my life so far.
I hope that six months from now I read this and can chuckle, and find it cliché, and that I am content with myself and my life.

I really, really hope. Good luck to me. I need to trust myself.

On a bad day

What is that?

It's a kind of flower.

Where did you get it?

My Aunt left it for me.

She lives nearby?

No, she died years ago.

And she gave it to you then?

No, I found this just today. She knows I had a bad day.

I see.

pigeon tears

I realized last night, in shivasana: Yoga is the most beautiful thing in my life right now. I wish I could spend my days in practice.

I realized last night, in pigeon pose: Yoga is the only thing I trust in my life right now. I wish I could spend my days in practice.

Namaste.

my heart holds within it every form,
it contains a pasture for gazelles,
a monastery for Christian monks,
there is a temple for idol-worshippers,
a holy shrine for pilgrims;
there is the table of the Torah
and the book of the Koran.
i follow the religion of Love and go whichever way his camel leads me.

this is the true faith;
this is the true religion.

[ibn arabi]

Readings #2

from "Viveka's Tale"

"Mother taught him to see God in all beings, and to see the soul in the phenomenal world, even in the tiger who attacked him. Viveka learned to open his heart to himself and to all of life, practicing reverence for the many beings and dedicating himself to the awakening of all beings."

Readings #1

"You have come to live in the guru's house, now...this is a very auspicious time, you know..." Amrit talked about the preciousness of taking a period of time to live quietly, deliberately, away from the restlessness of our culture. "There must be movement back and forth, from the mountaintop to the marketplace," he said. "But just now is a moment for the mountaintop..."

i would like to

in my life, accomplish some of these things:

1. cultivate jazz appreciation/knowledge
2. own/operate an olive grove
3. spend time at an ashram
4. teach yoga
5. walk alone in several foreign countries
6. wink at the dalai lama
7. have and design an apartment purely to my taste
8. write a book (children's? auto-biography? poetry? short fictions?)

good luck.