the Magnificent Sweater

By magnificent, I mean big. HUGE. Encompassing the whole world, weaving everything together with twists and knots. And one there is a tug at this corner, the whole of the fabric feels it. A snag over there means right here we sense it.

I sound like a lunatic, but this is the greatest substitute analogy for so many theories of the universe. I like to think of all of existence wrapped up in a giant sweater. Probably crimson colored, with some crème threads woven through.

Yum.

what i have learned of late

1. Hope often seems useless.
2. Sometimes you can't place blame because the Fault just won't sit still.
3. Every moment of breathing life is sacred sacred sacred.
4. It's possible to be content one moment, wishing for death in the next, and end the day floating between the two, holding on to heartbeats.
5. I wish I found a passion to lose myself in when I need it. Not a habit or a dependency or a crutch, but a creative passion.
6. It is possible to live at a right angle to all the things you know in your heart are true.
7. It is possible not to be sure of what's in your heart.
8. Resentment is addictive.
9. Good people do bad things, and I believe in karma.

what i have learned just today
1. The True Self we all believe we know is nothing but patterning of consciousness, actions stuck in a rut, status quo, modus operandi smoke and mirrors.
2. The True Self is the Witness, and as the Witness I can rest, peacefully.
3. I have a lot of practice to do.

undercover

I just wanted to say, for myself later, for posterity: Everything is not ok. It looks like it, from the things I write here, because I send calmness to the page in the hopes that it will reflect back to me; in the hopes that I can grab onto a piece of what I created, and swallow it back inside. But I'm not ok right now. These last few months have been some of the most difficult of my entire life. I don't feel like I'm on the right track, I'm not pleased with many aspects of the life I have begun to create, and I'm scared that I'm back-pedaling in terms of becoming the person I want to be and learning life lessons.

I'm paralyzed and frightened and I don't know what to do. And I'm a little disappointed. And I feel really alone. Even though I have glorious friends and family with whom I can share the pieces, nobody gets the whole picture. And that whole picture is totally overwhelming.

I just wanted to write that down, make it clear that I feel frantic, panicked and totally frozen, simultaneously.

I'm starting to see cracks in the walls, and put together a new picture of myself, but stepping into that light looks like it will be one of the most painful experiences of my life so far.
I hope that six months from now I read this and can chuckle, and find it cliché, and that I am content with myself and my life.

I really, really hope. Good luck to me. I need to trust myself.

On a bad day

What is that?

It's a kind of flower.

Where did you get it?

My Aunt left it for me.

She lives nearby?

No, she died years ago.

And she gave it to you then?

No, I found this just today. She knows I had a bad day.

I see.

pigeon tears

I realized last night, in shivasana: Yoga is the most beautiful thing in my life right now. I wish I could spend my days in practice.

I realized last night, in pigeon pose: Yoga is the only thing I trust in my life right now. I wish I could spend my days in practice.

Namaste.

my heart holds within it every form,
it contains a pasture for gazelles,
a monastery for Christian monks,
there is a temple for idol-worshippers,
a holy shrine for pilgrims;
there is the table of the Torah
and the book of the Koran.
i follow the religion of Love and go whichever way his camel leads me.

this is the true faith;
this is the true religion.

[ibn arabi]

Readings #2

from "Viveka's Tale"

"Mother taught him to see God in all beings, and to see the soul in the phenomenal world, even in the tiger who attacked him. Viveka learned to open his heart to himself and to all of life, practicing reverence for the many beings and dedicating himself to the awakening of all beings."

Readings #1

"You have come to live in the guru's house, now...this is a very auspicious time, you know..." Amrit talked about the preciousness of taking a period of time to live quietly, deliberately, away from the restlessness of our culture. "There must be movement back and forth, from the mountaintop to the marketplace," he said. "But just now is a moment for the mountaintop..."

i would like to

in my life, accomplish some of these things:

1. cultivate jazz appreciation/knowledge
2. own/operate an olive grove
3. spend time at an ashram
4. teach yoga
5. walk alone in several foreign countries
6. wink at the dalai lama
7. have and design an apartment purely to my taste
8. write a book (children's? auto-biography? poetry? short fictions?)

good luck.

Manifesto

There will be no correct clothes

There will be no proper payment

There will be no right answers

No glorified teachers

No ego no script no pedestals

No you’re not good enough or rich enough

This yoga is for everyone

This sweating and breathing and becoming

This knowing glowing feeling Is for the big small weak and strong

Able and crazy

Brothers sisters grandmothers

The mighty and meek

Bones that creak

Those who seek

This power is for everyone

Yoga to the People

All bodies rise

Classtime

Dirty street.
Bright yellow door with signpost: Yoga above.
Pass through the door and climb into clouds of lavender.

Remove my shoes and unfurl my pink flying carpet.
Settle into the gentle puff of breeze and breath.

Class has started: Attention, bow to your purpose.
Embrace the sweat and ocean waves of your neighbors.

Lift, twist, internalize and expel the prana within.
Balance, pose, focus, push to the limit.

Seep down and in and quietly relax
to be born again, on the little pink mat.

Class is ending: Attention, bow to your purpose
and to the teacher within.

Om shanti shanti, Namaste.

The elements

Afternoons on the davenport (featuring chicken pox); big porch swing pushes; views of white caps on the river; the arbor; white pickets; wild flowers; judging the weather from the flag's direction; hard floors; comic books; bathroom adventures; tip-toe tours of the museum room; waiting for ghosts; watching hallway candles; stove run on wood; warm kitchen; full bar; stiff fish hanging from the heights; whisky jokes all around; endless rounds of cribbage, both friendly and vengeful; sunbathing in the adirondacks; fishing for all manner of fishes, in all manner of environments, using all manner of bait; listening to whispers through paper-thin walls; hugging the chimney.

a yogic experience

Dupont Circle. Literally, yoga in the circle. Metaphor: Finding a calm oasis while traffic circles around.

A book-toting, junior preacher.
A Mormon choir.
An angry pro-Israel soldier.

Warrior poses on a fleet of magic carpets charge silently through the chaos.

hot love is...

piles of blankets and pillows
trips to the kitchen
a few stolen moments in the smoky garage
bare feet on the beach
a traveling blanket
sleeping rear to rear
magic
tears through sex
pain au chocolat du matin
12-4 a.m. pizza
electricity conducted through various points of contact
plans
memories
"I wish"es and "I want"s
story time
honesty in the face of pain
scowls in the car
laughing at others, together
laughing at each other, together
sweating in rhythm in a sea of people
patience
ease
peace.

Kim

french toast.
10:00 (pm) brownies
water shoes
sunscreen
toasted cheese with tomato
sunglasses

can i...?

can i really? because i have my doubts, don't get me wrong, i really do. but something inside says "go," and even if it turns out to be that i should Go for reasons other than those i have in mind now, i have a feeling it will be worth it. i don't want to let go of this magic, not yet. i'm a very new person now, and i give all the thanks i can muster in this exhausted state to give them. thanks. risk is....risk, and scary. but worth it? only time will tell. but i've learned enough to know that i'll learn more, from every step forward, and every attempt at perfection, which will undoubtedly fail. thanks, to the universe, for all these lessons. i've learned enough now to teach, while i continue to learn. my heart is more open than ever, while i proceed with care. thanks.

Dawn on me

Realization #1. I'm not as strong as the person I want to be. I need practice, and help.
Realization #2. Some love is not eternal, not undying, not forever or even close. Some love is made and meant for the moment, maybe for the afternoon or evening. If you're lucky, it's made and meant indefinitely, throws open the door confidently into the Future, the Unknown. Intentions and plans are reflections of the present heat and light, but merely cast shadows onto the days ahead. One must wait out the dawn to see clearly what draws near.
Realization #3. Pain and suffering are only temporary, but remarkably painful and decidedly insufferable.
Realization #4. It's worth taking the time to (get to) know yourself.

yes.

I've been sleeping so,
so

hot

lately.

Scope #7

I've got some of the strangest good news you've ever heard. Ready to open your mind to the odd opportunities? Get this: 1. Your wild speculations could serve you better than your educated guesses. 2. Your experimental urges might be smarter than your cautious plans. 3. Your "stumbles" may lead you to brilliant detours. 4. You just may be able to create lucky breaks out of apparent mistakes.

Power

Power in breath, and of it. Imagine myself steeped in the heat and density of my own fog, my own breath, safe and happy, small and powerful, alive.

excerpt

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates her body's rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her precious life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

sexy grumpy

Everything is extremely UP and DOWN and twisted and convoluted and weird, and I'm not really sure what to make of it. Questions and questions and questions and more questions fill me up and I want to burst, because there are no obvious answers, so what's a Girl to do? Somebody help me with a Yes, No, Maybe. I need the universe to lend me a hand, whisper into my eyelashes, breathe into my heels and show me my own direction, because I'm spinning in circles. That may very well be part of the trip, but I've got to move forward, and soon. Hoy me siento muy sexy, y gruñóna también.

Scope #7

...of all the objects in the world made of 22-karat gold, a bathtub in Japan is the largest. Weighing in at over 300 pounds, it's in the Funabara Hotel 100 miles south of Tokyo. I suggest you regard it as your personal symbol of power...it will remind you to stay true to your task, which is to your cleanse yourself extravagantly as you purge your heart of all motivations that aren't pure gold.

Late Fragment

...And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.

[Raymond Carver]

Scope #5

...Keep in mind the advice of inventor George Washington Carver: Anything will give up its secrets if you love it enough.

tip, tap, step

I'm learning, slowly moving forward, slowly filling up with love, and patience, and distance from the good and the bad, and faith in the events of the universe, and faith in myself and my ability to receive and manipulate whatever may come my way. The best part is the anger; that is, the anger leaving my body, receding from my mind, dripping out of my pores and dissipating. I learn a bit each day, from each action and interaction, and I'm grateful for each moment I can spend aware of the progress I make. I am moving forward, definitively and with intention, and I'm thrilled about it. I live to learn, and I learn so that I may live better, easier, happier. I control my life, and I'm ready for what lies ahead (mostly. A little help is much appreciated along the way).
.